Normally, when I sit down to write a blog, I am excited, pulsing with energy and the words simply flow. I tend to write blogs off the cuff when something has inspired me, and I just need to share it with you all. But this one is a little different, this one I have been debating about writing not just for days, and weeks but for months. You see, I was scared. Scared of what you would think once you knew.
In education, in fact, in society still, there is a stigma about mental health. There are negative stereotypes that still remain, despite us knowing they are inaccurate, wrong and harmful. The way manifest can be harmful, and I was scared they would harm your opinion of me, and how I can support you with outdoor learning.
Many years ago, my local GP, Dr Ferguson, told me that if I did not start taking my mental health seriously I was headed for a breakdown. Back then I was naive. I looked at mental health as being a weakness. I would be fine if I just kept on going. Unfortunately, I was wrong and he was correct. A number of life things combined, grief at losing my parents, the stress of teaching, life, and I did indeed reach breaking point and went beyond it. Those days were scary. In fact, a lot of them are a blur now. I thought it was all in the past.
But, all these years later, I realised I still had not learned all I needed to as I ended up back in that dark place. The last year has been pretty tough mentally. We joke about hitting forty and that being the start of the decline. By gum, I didn’t just decline, I fell right off the cliff.
First off, I was discovering the extent of my hearing loss. You will now see me sporting a hearing aid in each ear when I am working with kids, training or in noisy environments. This worried me, would schools still want to work with me if they knew? I then remembered a feisty primary five kid I met while on placement many years ago. She handed me the Roger system to wear around my neck and promptly told me, in front of the full class, to be sure to switch it off when I went to the toilet as she had heard far too many teachers taking a wee. She didn’t just accept her hearing loss, she owned it. And, if she could do it at that age, then I sure as could at forty.
But the hits just kept on coming, I was diagnosed with adult-onset asthma, a wide range of reproductive issues, potential glaucoma (thankfully that one sorted itself out), had a scare with a lump and a dodgy smear test (both came back clear), repeated tonsillitis, and so much more. I was about ready for the knacker’s yard.
And, being me, all through this I kept on working, kept turning up and kept smiling. Very few people knew the extent of what was going on in the background. Quite simply, they did not need to know as I could keep doing my job. Being a female with ADHD meant I am used to masking. That is my default and I used it.
October came and I reached out to the GP, asking for some help as I could feel my mental health was teetering on the edge. I was given leaflets… that I picked up over a month later and which stayed in their envelope. I felt shame at having to pick these up.
Still, I kept that smile on, delivering training, running a Dirty Training Retreat, and delivering to the first cohort of the Playground and Outdoor Learning Leader course.
But, because I was not dealing with things, my health was failing. December came, I had my graduation and quickly after, it all hit me. Two straight weeks that I could not get out of bed. Part of it was because of a medical procedure and part was because I was just done. Broken. Exhausted. Burnt out. Finished.
My mental health hit a real low, a scary low. I went back to the doctor and was prescribed medication. Thankfully, it was at this time that the wonderful Jayne came on board. Jayne understood, she has an excellent background in mental health and while employed as my virtual assistant, is so much more.
I realised; the only way I was going to get better was to talk to those around me and do the dreadfully difficult thing of asking for help. Not at all easy for someone used to just getting things done.
I had a call with someone who I think is amazing, Juliet. She has been someone I have respected for many years. She is what I want to be when I grow up! In that call, she said something important, something I don’t think many educators hear, yet they should all be told. She told me that I was enough. For someone who had constantly been striving, for what I am not quite sure, to be told I was enough by someone like her was huge.
As January came around I realised I needed to look after myself if I was going to get better. I took time off and reduced my diary. Something all of us teachers struggle to do as time off comes with so much guilt. Thankfully, I had and have Jayne there, acting as a barrier between me and the big wide world and making sure I do not do too much. She is very much who you see when you read our socials now. She is often behind my emails, writing the draft so I just need to adapt and send. Ian, my husband, is there at home, looking after me and making sure I look after me too. It isn’t easy but I am learning.
Due to my health, we decided it was best to put a few bits on hold. I couldn’t bear to send the email, Jayne had to. I felt I was letting people down. She assured me that they would understand. We alluded to my health but did not explain. Isn’t it funny how easy it is to get in touch and postpone things when our physical health troubles us yet it feels different for our mental health? But health is health.
We couldn’t give a timeline for people, and that felt tricky. My first medication was not working and we did not know how long I needed time. Thankfully, it looks like the second medication is working and I am on a waiting list for a psychiatrist. When I broke bones and tore ligaments, I was happy to see a physio to learn how to build up my strength and look after my body. I am hoping the psychiatrist will do the same for my mind.
The time during the reduced diary will let me put that into practice. But, as it is an NHS waiting list, I will not meet my psychiatrist until April at the earliest. As you know, it is not me to sit and do nothing. So, I researched what I could do to help me. I began to work out things that would help me relax as I had no idea what they were anymore. I didn’t know what I enjoyed. I started embroidery. I found it calmed my mind. The stab of a needle quickly brings me back. I started to journal and meditate. I let myself nap.
I was still scared that I was letting people down and they would think I could not do my job anymore. I was scared of what they would think. What you would think. Yet, in pretty much every training I do I mention mental health. I share a little of my story, but not the recent story. This is so important to me for a number of reasons.
First, stats show that one in four members of staff have contacted their doctor in the last year for their mental health and nearly three out of four frequently or constantly feel stressed at work. That means half the staff in your school could be struggling. The mental health crisis in education has become the norm. And yet, there is still a stigma. People may feel a fear that they will be discriminated against, overlooked for job opportunities, denied promotions, or subjected to unfair treatment by employers and colleagues. I felt the same fear of discrimination. There is only one way to rid ourselves of the stigma, and that is by taking the subject of mental health out of the dark corners and shining a spotlight on it.
Highlighting how normal mental health is can help remove the fear of judgement or discrimination that may prevent people from accessing necessary treatment and support services. Like many others, I felt that fear, it led to worsening symptoms. It can lead to people isolating themselves. I am pretty sure my friends would say I did just that. It felt easier than facing reality. It is important that we do not hide away in school. It can be easy to say we cannot get to the staffroom as there is always something else to do. But try and make the time. And, if you have a colleague who never makes it to the staffroom, look in on them. Don’t just ask them once if they are ok, ask twice. It is easy to lie and say we are fine the first time but much harder if people double-check.
But sharing is more than that. I am hoping to remind people that mental health is just as important and normal as physical health, so often the two are intertwined. By doing this it can help reduce any internal stigma they may be feeling. A lot of me pasting a smile on and keeping on going was to hide my own feelings. I felt shame, my self-esteem was low and my self-blame was huge. This made me feel worse and it did not need to.
So, today I decided to sit down and write a blog. To normalise my health. I did this with those who are struggling in mind. My hope is simple, by sharing my story and normalising it, I may just be able to help others to realise they are not alone.
And for me, well, I will continue with the reduced diary, making sure I have the capacity to deliver everything to the highest of standards. I still have a way to go, physically I am getting stronger, but my body reminds me. My alopecia has returned (sorry to everyone who must clean up my trail of hair!), I still get tired much easier than usual, a training day can take two or more days to recover from. And mentally, I am still healing. But that is ok. It is normal. And, to be honest, I am excited. When something breaks, we get to pick up the pieces and turn them into something new, something better, something stronger. I cannot wait to see what that is.
If you are struggling then do look at how you can access help and support. There are many great websites like The Samaritans and The Hub of Hope. For me, leaning on colleagues and family has been invaluable, can you do the same? Don’t suffer in silence but seek help. You are worth it.
